Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

Today I am grateful for:

  • Remembering to post Thursday Gratitude before shutting down the computer 🙂
  • Last week’s epiphany… I can’t believe it’s only been a week. It seems so long ago!
  • The Inktober drawing challenge, I’m one behind right now… didn’t like what I drew for today’s challenge “Cloud” I’m thinking… ink wash would be better. That will involve more time though. Loving the challenge and stretching my artistic muscles again. Also letting go the need to be *good* at it. Trying to anyway.
  • Avacados
  • The ticket count is down at work
  • Next week is the Vendor fair (yay!)
  • Halloween
  • I have a new dress and heels for the big wedding this weekend 🙂 And let’s add the wedding being in town for ease of travel. Very much looking forward to a good time hanging with the inlaws. 🙂
  • Managed to find a home for those three cotehardies of Sir Will’s, it was rough, he was awfully skinny when he made them!
  • ravelry
  • My work friends
  • New work laptop is working with its dock, yay I have dual monitors again 🙂 Very important.
  • Having the extra funds to be able to just run out and buy a dress and a pair of shoes. Financial independence is a wonderful, and rare, thing.
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Life · SCA

Archery Update

Shot Archery last night, scores improved over last week! I think last Thursday I scored a 6, 7, 8, 11, and 14. Last night I had an 11, 15 and 18!

As I quipped to one of the students “It’s like practice helps or something” heh, who knew?

Looking forward to next SCA archery practice to see if these improvements show on that range as well, alas we won’t be able to shoot Sunday because of Wedding Extravaganza.

Life

Weekend Update

A weekend at home with no set commitments is a rare and wonderful thing. Plus the weather was lovely and the husband declared that we would get something done on our much neglected yard.

I used the moment to push an agenda of my own to remove the gladiolas from the front flower bed (I really don’t think they looked good there, never did, and they were so over-grown!) and I won my point, yay! Unfortunately that meant many hours of labor. oof. We worked long and hard Saturday and finished up (mostly) on Sunday. I should’ve taken a before and after photo!

The Gladiola bulbs are now completely removed from the front flower bed, some of them have been transplanted into a new bed, tonight we may transplant more of them into yet another new location. We also broke up and moved a bunch of irises into two new beds. Much weed pulling and general yard cleanup. Happy to say yard looks much better! My muscles are sore!

Also on Saturday we went to the mall and I bought a new dress to wear to Kristen’s wedding this coming weekend. I wasn’t terribly happy with the selection and it was hard to choose, but in the end I got a dress that fit my specifications and I got a 50% off coupon at the register so win! Hubby also bought some pants for work because 50% off!

Sunday after all that yardwork we went to MarLou Shoes and I got a pair of heels to wear with the dress. It’s been years since I had a set of heels so I was due. Hubby also talked me into buying a purse. I’ve not had a purse since I was in school! Such a girly weekend. Not sure about the purse. Have been staunchly anti-purse for more than 20 years. Hard to back off… but it is a terribly practical purse with lots of pockets so… we’ll see. Handbags may actually be handy. (Husband says he wants a European Man-Bag ;))

Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

Today I am grateful for many things (like the leeway to post Thursday Gratitude on a Friday, heh, sorry.)

  • My “Personal Vision” epiphany. I was able to go do some of the Personal Vision exercises last night and was energized by them instead of depressed! Go figure, knowledge really is power. 🙂
  • Self knowledge has increased thanks to the above. This is a good thing.
  • Coffee
  • TED talks
  • The Inktober ink drawing meme thing; I’ve been doing it and it is easier than I thought to do a quick ink drawing based on a prompt each day. Feels good to stretch the artistic muscles again.
  • Goslings ginger beer
  • Bought coffee for work at Marc’s, much cheaper than Giant Eagle, may be shopping there more regularly! Same brand and everything. Less than a block farther.
  • Monty posted a cute cat video to my timeline on facebook, it was totally adorable! Big cat, tiny box. Anyway, yay for cat videos and people who share them!
  • My Aunt Jean mailed me a box of matzo ball soup ❤ closest thing to mailing a hug I’ve ever seen. Love her. I am lucky to have such a cool aunt.
  • Science!
Life

My multi-colored emotional baggage

So I’ve been depressed a lot lately. Really some of the worst I’ve experienced since being married. The good news is that last night I finally figured out WHAT was triggering it.

I was sitting there, wallowing, moody and depressed and my husband said “I thought you were in a good mood when we left work!” and I had indeed been. “So what happened?” I didn’t know. But it triggered me thinking about it… why was I depressed right then? When did it start today? And looking back at the pattern…

It’s funny, it was my Leadership Lab for Women in Science, Technology, Engineering and Math. A very positive thing was depressing the hell out of me. Specifically it was the “Finding your vision” exercise. Talk about something positive! The sort of thing that one expects to make one filled with joy or hope; talking about my wildest dreams and reaching for the stars. What if you won the lottery, what would you do? What matters the most to you? There are no wrong answers! Yeah, depressed the living hell out of me!

So it was a short journey from the WHAT to the WHY. Why was this depressing me?

It all goes back to childhood (naturally) and my low self esteem. My deep seated belief in my own inability to be correct. (Thanks Mom.) I am a horrible, evil, nasty, stupid, ugly, pick the epitaph, waste of human flesh. (I’m not reaching for compliments here, just trying to explain… I understand intellectually, of course, that I am really an above-average person with lots of good qualities. But emotionally I’m pulled back to that default established in the worst period of my life.) Specifically the response to believe that ANYTHING I choose or decide is wrong.

When I was a young professional working at the help desk (I think it was at the help desk… it’s a vague memory now.) There was a decision to be made, doesn’t matter the specific decision, just we had to pick A or B. And as we sat in a small group of the employees there that night discussing it I felt strongly in my gut that the answer was B. I knew it was B. And I asked the group… and a young student employee said confidently “I think A” so we did A. And when A proved quickly and disastrously to be the wrong choice I said “Ugh! I knew it was B!” and the student employee said “Why did you listen to me then? You have more experience than I do.” And it was as if a light-bulb went on.. she was right. I did have more knowledge and experience… why did I listen to her instead of going with my gut? And the answer was: Because she wasn’t me. I am flawed, other people are not. Therefore by NOT BEING ME, she must be correct.

How messed up is that?

And here it is again, there are no wrong answers on a ideal self vision building exercise but I am downright paralyzed by it because I KNOW I AM WRONG.

I stop myself from dreaming because whatever dream I pick will be the wrong one.

Anyway, the good news is that knowledge is power and just KNOWING this is at work is helping lift me out of the depression. Now when I try for the Nth time to do the “Finding my personal vision” exercise I will be fore-armed with knowledge and hopefully able to push through the self-loathing and self-doubt to actually finish the exercise and finally answer the question “What do I want?”

Costuming · Life

Weekend Update

Saturday was the Dental School’s 125th Anniversary, I’d been looking forward to it but was hit by a killer bout of depression Thursday. Felt a little better Friday but by Saturday I still wasn’t really excited about facing humans. I did it anyway and I’m glad I did, it was a great shindig. Really good food and hey, I’m a team player or some such. 🙂

Sunday we went to archery practice and I did not shoot so bad at all. Got an actually good score on the first target of the seasonal shoot (my normal mediocre on the second target, but it’s still an improved score.) and improved my score from horrible to just lousy on the King’s challenge shoot. Starting to feel somewhat optimistic that this practicing strategy of mine will work out in the end.

On the sewing front I finally repaired my Colonial corset. May need to consider making a new one but for now… it is wearable.  Having issues getting the sleeves into my bodice for the new Colonial gown I’m making. Isn’t that always the way?

 

Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

In a bad mood today, hard to shake it… but that’s when gratitude is important, right? I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. Best remember that.

Today I am grateful for:

  • The CWRU Archery club lets staff shoot with them.
  • Glory cat slept in my lap for a considerable amount of last evening.
  • Cats, in general, and cat pictures
  • The Beatles
  • Dunkin’ Donuts has cute spider doughnuts for Halloween
  • My heart-shaped post-it notes
  • The weather has been pleasant this week
  • The vendor fair is coming up
  • I got a prize for shooting Archery Saturday, my first one ever. That was pretty cool.
  • Google, my most useful coworker.
  • Not traveling this weekend.