Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

Just realized I never did a Weekend Update post about Daddy-Day. That’s my first gratitude item:

  • I successfully organized a family outing for Father’s day. We went canoeing.
  • The weather was perfect Sunday (a little hot, but not bad on the water.)
  • I got to see a Great Blue Heron take off! Eeee! So cool!
  • The upper Cuyahoga is quite lovely. Also saw at least three beaver dens. And flowers and dragonflies and a spider made a web in my boat.
  • Having the sort of free cash to be able to pay for a day’s canoe outing with the family.
  • Dr. Faddoul said nice things to me yesterday
  • Met friends for dinner last night, it was lovely. Also, guacamole. NOM
  • Lunch date with husband today
  • I get to cat sit tomorrow. ❤
  • I really do have a lot of good friends in my workplace.
  • Happy Solstice! Beautiful, cool weather for it. Huzzah.
  • Have tentatively made plans to get dinner with another set of friends. Go me!
  • Husband and I have been binge watching Downton Abbey and Bob Ross. So much loveliness!
  • Yesterday’s staff coffee break was successful; I got the coffee all prepped on time. And I got a volunteer to help me with the next one!
  • Managed to schedule the Awards Committee meeting quickly for once.

 

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Costuming · SCA

Merovingian Update

So I finished reading The world of Gregory of Tours edited by Kathleen Mitchell and Ian Wood and Fortunitus’s Poems (edited and translated by Michael Roberts, sorry, my Latin is horrid.)  I did glean some useful things from this. Neither Gregory nor Fortunitus are very descriptive when it comes to costumes, alas, but Fortunitus did mention a few times marks of beauty (Lots of milk-white skin and rose-colored lips, one mention of a white neck. Brushing hair until it shines, things like that.) and at least we know that Men and Women’s costumes were distinctive of each other. (That’s kind of a ‘duh’ but still, it’s good to have confirmation in a literary source.) I did really enjoy reading them together.

Now I’m wending my way through From Attila to Charlemagne: Arts of the Early Medieval Period in The Metropolitan Museum of Art by Katharine Reynolds Brown and Dafydd Kidd. Great volume, some lovely articles. Mostly focused on jewelry, of course.

I have decided that I aught to start my under-tunic. I want to do a pleated garment, I have a lovely light blue, lightweight wool in my stash that I think will do marvelously. Going with a standard rectangular construction. Warp-weighted looms mean wide width, shorter lengths of fabric, which gives us plenty of room for pleats. (One of Aregonde’s neighbors in the Saint Denis crypt had a blue pleated wool survive in her grave, possibly a tunic.) Going to match it’s pleat size.

Decisions:

  • How far down do I sew the pleats? Just in the bodice area?
  • Do I bend the pleats toward the neckline, or end them straight into the shoulder seam?
  • How do I handle the neckline? (I’m leaning toward a standard keyhole.)
  • How long do I make the sleeves? (I think wrist-length) and how do I finish the wrists? trim?
  • Hem length (Have pretty much decided floor length, same as I always do.)
Life

On Insecurity

So all of that navel-gazing and talking with my sister and I’ve realized a lot of what drives my depression is plain old insecurity.

I shouldn’t be surprised, my insecurities have insecurities!

When I was a small child my mother told me that she hated me, I was stupid, lazy, worthless, ugly, etc. etc. etc. And kids believe what they are told, sadly. I was sure that I was horrible, worthless, stupid. All those things she said.

One day in third grade I wrote it out, “I hate myself” over and over again on the back of one of my school assignments. Maybe it was a cry for help, maybe it was just the only paper I had, the only way of expressing myself. And I was rewarded by being called into the principal’s office.  I remember a bunch of well meaning adults asking me why I had written that… and I had no answer. No words to offer. I couldn’t figure out what they wanted me to say. I’d written it because it was true.

I still fight this struggle; this belief that I am bad. wrong. flawed. Someone else would have done that better. Anyone else would have. Every stumble or mistake is a confirmation of this, every success forgotten quickly or “I should have done better”

Also, it’s more important that other people have fun. I am not important. My feelings don’t matter.

It’s made me very careful and introspective. A good troubleshooter, I always start with what steps *I* did. I like to think I’m a kind person and a good host. But also it means I don’t let myself join in the fun, because the fun is not for me. It’s for people who matter. (Which is anyone else.)

And then I am sad because I did not join in the fun. When I was Chamberlain I purposefully did not do any of the fun things, left them to the others. I was taking care of them. And I was miserable. Why didn’t I join the fun? What’s the matter with me?

It has also made me very appreciative; any time anyone thanks me or is nice to me I’m surprised and full of shock and awe, because how wonderful they are to acknowledge such a wretch as I!

I have been trying to acknowledge my strengths. Acknowledge and own my successes as well as I do my failures. (Oh am I good at owning THOSE!) I am actually kind of awesome. I am skilled. I am empathetic. I am creative. I am adaptive. I am patient.

I do not suck at everything. I am good at my job. I am good at many things.

Next step is to believe that other people actually do like me. It’s hard, when you have that negative self-talk all the time. How can they like me, when I don’t like me? Shush, lizard-brain! I will like myself. And trust that other people like me too, just as I am, warts and all.

 

Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

It’s been a rough week for me, so gratitude is important. I actually do have much to be grateful for.

  • Beautiful sunshiney weather today
  • Coffee
  • I got to see Cat and Dan last night and give them hugs
  • My sister-in-law Mary-Beth has the most cuddly pair of siamese cats you ever met. They are big and fluffy and fat and I love them. 🙂 Cat therapy is totally a thing.
  • I still struggle with depression.. but it’s not as bad as it was when I was a kid. There is that. I’ve come a long way and I should be rightly proud of that journey.
  • The University’s “Use or Lose” policy regarding vacation time; it forces me to actually take vacation time and let’s face it; no one on their death bed was saying they wished they’d spent more time at the office! Vacation Good.
  • I actually got a lot done at work this year. I went to conferences, visited another school’s simulation lab, started a staff coffee break… yeah. Good employee.  Very glad for my Gratitude journal come review time!
  • Good conversation with Marie yesterday.
  • Have successfully made plans for Father’s Day Sunday.

 

Life · SCA

Weekend Update – NOWM

This weekend was our largest local event, Northern Oaken War Maneuvers.

My dread of this event was very high this year. And I’ve spent much of the weekend staring at my own navel trying to figure out why. If you look back on my blog posts, they’re largely positive. Though a lot of that was just putting on a happy face for the sake of others.

I used to love this event. Then I became the local Baroness.

Every year as Baroness the event was horrid. Every. Year. Just awful.  The exact opposite of fun. Deleting the long details of exactly how it was awful. That doesn’t matter really. Plus I stressed out about every local event because I’m me and I worry about shit.

It’s funny, because you’d think I’d love this event. It’s the event I got my Award of Arms at. The event I was made a Baroness at. The event I was elevated to the Laurel at.

But mostly it’s the event I don’t belong at.

I walk around, watching other people be happy. And not belonging.

I hoped being in charge of scribes for the day would help… but it didn’t. The scribe’s room was empty all day. None of the camaraderie and hanging out of ages past.

In the end the problem is me. It’s in my own head this feeling of not belonging. Being unwanted. Derian did go out of his way to shout across the field that he was glad to see me, that was sweet of him. And Jacquline came into the scribe’s room to give me a hug. She’s a sweetheart.  It’s still hard to shake this feeling.

 

Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

I have many things to be grateful for.

  • Lovely cool weather
  • Coffee
  • I finished uploading all my vacation pictures to Flickr
  • My boss is out today
  • Cat Milligan is in town! I do hope I get to see her while she’s here, she’s lovely.
  • The Farmer’s market was today outside UH. Picked up some Ohio City pasta and had a excellent lunch with the husband.
  • My husband, he’s so kind and supportive and sweet and stuff.
  • The “Flower Show” episode of Downton Abbey
  • Google translate

 

Gratitude

Thursday Gratitude

It’s Thursday, and as usual I have much to be grateful for.

  • Someone left a poster-bag in the hallway at work with “please take” on it (there were other sundry items too, but I only wanted the bag.)
  • Plus, I left it in the back yard to air out today while we were on errands and it did NOT get rained on *whew!* We were home in time to put it away before the rain hit.
  • My wonderful husband, without whom I would never have gotten that much yard work done today. Proud to say the hammock is up, the garden gnomes out and flowers planted. Woot.
  • Hubby also got the grass cut before the rain hit (he got a little wet at the end, but he got it done!)
  • Mar-Lou Shoes, great store. My go-to shop for work shoes.
  • Paid sick leave and having a good Dentist 🙂
  • Current knitting project is going well
  • You can buy Black Current syrup on line!!! Eeeeee!! *ordered*
  • Air conditioning. Wow, I love that we installed air conditioning. Stepping into my cool house from the hot, humid outdoors is amazing. Why didn’t we do that earlier?
  • The Orthodontics axiUm training went well yesterday, and Unit 3 worked in the lab for the DentSim demo in the afternoon (Hadn’t had the thing on in months, I was worried!)